


It's Not Fine

by nomercyhere



Category: Full House (US)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Anxiety trigger warning, Gen, Jesse Has A Panic Attack, Jesse Needs Help, Panic Attacks, Very Light Jesse/Becky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24703705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomercyhere/pseuds/nomercyhere
Summary: Jesse thought he could push it away. After all, anxiety is just a feeling, right? And he's the one in control. But things slowly start to escalate, until one day it all comes crashing down.
Relationships: Becky Donaldson Katsopolis/Jesse Katsopolis
Kudos: 19





	It's Not Fine

It starts as a little nervous tick. His knee bounces while he’s trying to compose a song. He figures it’s fine, he drank too many cups of coffee today.

\----

“Jess, your hand is kind of shaking a lot there.” Joey says, concerned, as they’re writing a new jingle and Jesse can’t steady the pen.  
He grins it off. “Ah, Joseph, you clearly know nothing about creativity. See, creative types have shaky hands. That’s why Jackson Pollock’s paintings look the way they do.”  
“Yeah, but you’re really shaking a lot-“  
“It’s fine.”

\----

It moves up a little bit. His eyes start having a hard time focusing, darting around, they can’t stay steady on one thing, but he figures it’s fine. He’s almost thirty now, probably needs some stronger glasses.

\----

“Honey, are you alright?” Becky asks, looking across the table that night at an out of breath Jesse.  
He smiles. “Of course, Beck, you know it’s just the thought of you that gets me out of breath.”  
“Jesse, are you sure your-“  
“It’s fine.”

\----

It moves up even more. As soon as he wakes up, he feels it in his stomach. He needs to puke. Wants to get rid of it. But it won’t leave. So he doesn’t eat, figures that will help it go away. He figures its fine, he’s had some food allergies before in the past that have upset his stomach.

\----

“Uncle Jesse, are you cold?” Michelle says, staring at his mouth.  
He looks away from the bedtime story. “No, shorty, I’m not cold. Why would you say that?”  
She sticks a hand on his face. “Your teeth are chattering.”  
“It’s fine.”

\----

And then it crashes. Danny walks into the kitchen Friday morning to find him on the floor, holding onto the leg of the table, cereal spilled beside him. His teeth are chattering. He’s shaking. His eyes are darting all around. He can’t breathe. His stomach, his stomach, his stomach. His mind doesn’t work. Danny starts to yell for Becky, it’s terrifying. His mind is saying, get away, get away, get away! He can’t move. He needs to leave, needs to leave this place. He throws up on the floor as Becky comes down the stairs. But almost nothing comes out. He hasn’t been eating. He keeps dry heaving as Michelle comes in and starts to cry, his mind is screaming, 'No, no, no! I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…' Becky leans over to grab him and he jerks away from her, who is this? Who is touching him? No, don’t touch, I can’t do it. He can’t do it, he can’t, but he can’t leave either, he doesn’t know what to do. He can’t stop shaking, his teeth are clashing together so loud that he knows everyone can hear. It’s too much, too much, he can’t, he can’t. Then the tears come. He can’t see, his vision is electrified, darting all around and now his face is wet. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want his face to be wet. It makes it worse. He starts yelling, he doesn’t know what he’s saying, he wants to scream NO! But all that comes out is sobs. He keeps going, he can’t calm down, he starts to get better but then it gets worse. It goes on and on and on. They are all looking at him. He knows it. He knows they seem him like this. This hasn’t happened to him since Pam died. A voice tells him that 'he can’t, he can’t, why did he think of Pam, why, why is she gone, no, she’s not gone. Is everyone gone, is anyone still here?' He can’t tell, trying to look around the room, but seeing only the table, his eyes can’t focus, is Becky still here? What is happening, he feels someone life him up but can’t resist. He can’t do it. He knows he can’t. And then it’s dark, it’s dark, it’s too, too dark. It calms, it swoons, and it stops. It’s gone. And he can’t feel it anymore. He can’t feel anything.

\----

Jesse opens his eyes to see white. No, where is he? This isn’t his house, this isn’t his bed, this isn’t his life. He looks around, being in what seems to be a hospital bed. It comes flooding back to him, but it doesn’t spark anything. Only the telltale bounce in his leg remains.

Jesse sits there for hours. Tears play in Becky’s eyes as she talks to him, but he can’t hear what she’s saying. He won’t hear it; he knows what it will do to him. Doctors come in and out, but he won’t open his ears or his mouth. Knows that whatever he says, whatever he hears, that will spark it, and the spark will start it all again.

He talks to the voice in his head.  
“I’ve been so good at hiding it,” He speaks with his mouth shut, “But now it’s back. I don’t get it, where’d it come from? Why’s it here now?”   
The voice responds, small and far away. “They know. They saw us freaking out. They know we can’t handle it. We’re in trouble now…”

The hours turn into days. He can hear them now, he can hear the people who come into his room. They think he’s going to hurt himself, but he’s not crazy. He’s not. 

After a week, he hears Becky crying on his bed. His heart is broken. He can’t take it anymore. He’d rather go through the pain again than watch it happen to his wife. He moves, uses all his willpower. He breaks down what his mind has been telling him, and he put his hand on her head. She looks up at him in shock, and he looks down at her, his face serious and cracking open. He brokenly whispers:   
“It’s not fine.”


End file.
